Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
